In this post I’ll try to describe a few thoughts about what it feels like to be me. I can’t claim to speak for all Aspergirls, and neurotypical people I know feel some of these things too. I’m aware that my Aspergers is mild and to many people I appear to function normally, so people on the other end of the spectrum probably feel like this to the power of 100.
Most of the time I feel like an alien. Even when I’m at home, or with my partner or my (supportive) family, although at these times I can block it out more easily. The only times I don’t, are when I’m singing/playing/listening to music, sometimes when I’m writing, or when I’ve had a drink (although I don’t drink a lot and wouldn’t recommend it). Medication might help, but I don’t do any meds and would rather avoid them.
My body feels like an extraneous object to me. In my mind I see myself as kind of like a head on a stick, even though my body is physically healthy, I look after it and I wouldn’t change it.
Things can seem super-real and unreal at the same time. 5 minutes can pass in a blink, or feel like a lifetime. I can feel like a different person from one moment to the next.
I can remember complex and irrelevant things, especially dates or numbers, and then forget simple things like where I put my keys. I have to work hard at remembering just the things I need, and not cluttering my brain with random information.
I notice silly details but miss really obvious ones. TV and film plots are often hard for me to follow for this reason, and I’m terrible at housework because I don’t see half the dirt.
If it sounds like I’m complaining, I’m not! My life is good most of the time. I see all these things as challenges, not problems.